(Originally November 2022)
I want to stab a lady
I want to plunge it deep in her heart
The tip of my cold and icy anger
She won’t listen to me and never will
So there’s only one thing I can resort to
To make her feel just how I feel
I feel as though I’ve swallowed a knife
As I’m rejected by someone I wanted to wife
I feel as though this is the meaning of life
Shows you just what I think love is
Now I’m willing to resort to this business
The moment I don’t get what I want
But then Maybe I should turn my attention
toward the woman that caused all this
The mother who could never love me
No...no death today, no killing spree
It won’t change my heart or set me free
I’ll pray to god to help me see
How my anger covers terror and awful grief
That I could sit and feel and choose to release
Those feelings that keep me trapped in hell
Love,
Dan Morrell x
Youtube link:
https://youtu.be/vMZOfafzC8o
About this poem:
It’s taken me a year of work to be brave enough to fully admit emotionally to myself the full extent of my childhood rage.
It’s scary, destructive like all fear is.
For all anger covers fear.
Rage coves terror.
They both cover sadness and grief.
It’s scary to admit to myself I have feelings deep down of wanting to seriously hurt women. That’s where a year of heavy emotional processing has got me. Inside of me is so much pain.
I don’t really want them to die when I feel the feeling, so much as feel exactly as I feel. Which as I engage my Inner Toddler, feels like I’m dying.
To get here: It’s taken releasing fears of being crazy, demented and evil. Self judgment, guilt and shame. I still hold them to a degree, specifically the feeling that I'm a bad person. But they were just covering emotions for these darker ones.
Over the top of those dark feelings I had built a massive façade of: I’m a really great guy, and lived in that. I didn't get angry at people, I was known for being patient at work, patient as a teacher. Wow this has been quite the awakening to find out I'm not those things.
I find it so hard to release anger that I’ve been holding this one a good while. Engaging the childhood feeling; I want to stab my mother, is terrifying. But the only way to rid ourselves of it, is to acknowledge it's there, and that there was just a terrible grief of not feeling wanted, heard, valued or loved.
Part of me wants to cling onto it though. I don’t really wanna feel the grief and terror. The pain that important women even today are reflecting right at me. Part of me wants to say stuff you all. You deserve to be on the receiving end of this rage you filthy dogs.
But that’s the fear talking. Really. It’s just developing the desire to feel all my pain. Even the nastiest emotions. The darkest. To stop disowning the stains. Stop deluding myself and own my own own soul in the process.
God help me with this one 🙏
Set me free soon
Please
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