Word: Here for You

 (Originally August 2022)

Here for You

It’s been hard.

It’s been a hard hard life for you my love. You’ve been let down. 

Badly. Those around you at incarnation had one job only:

To welcome you and ensure your physical needs were met, 

And to help you feel safe and learn to explore and discover your own soul. 

To show you love.

All life has felt like the hardest struggle since. 

Since you didn’t receive these things. 

You’ve felt like you had to Take take take. 

Endure this so you can do that. A compromise. 

A waiting game. Always waiting. Wait wait wait. 

Someday it will be different. Someday. 

In the meantime we can forgo this, to do that. 

Never having a loving presence in your life my love. 

It’s been hard without that. So painful. 

You tried to be there for you at times. Even as a child. 

But you didn’t really know how… Did you?

The only person you’ve ever been able to trust and be open with is me, 

And tbh, you can’t rely on me. 

I let others down badly now too; as I keep proving. 

You had almost shut down to the possibility of someone ever being there for the real you....

Without you proving something, buying their affection by doing something for them. 

You’ve developed such a clinging to the idea that it would someday be better: 

That the hopeful day can never hence come. 

You’ve met women, and you’ve held back from fully opening up to them for months or years. Holding back. 

You’ve consistently held back from women all your life, out of fear of their rejection. 

The potential pain of this so great; it’s just not been worth the risk most of the time. 

Unless you haven’t really cared for them. 

Or the agony of loneliness overcomes the fear. 

You’ve met women you really loved. They’ve held back from you. 

You try not to feel pain at this. But you do. 

A lot of pain. 

Your pride shoves away the feeling. But if you’re honest with yourself;

You are so fucking vulnerable to women. You’re actually terrified of them. 

You test everyone around you, at times. To see how they react. 

To prove your own point that no-one is really there for you. 

All your life, deep down, you’ve been waiting for someone else’s permission, 

Their presence to explore your inner world. 

You’ve gone and done things for you sure, 

Many people comment about how much you have done and you’ve certainly tried, 

But your real soul and soul intentions? 

...Well, you’ve been afraid to go there, and whenever something bad happens

You wanna break down, run and hide from the world under a bed. 

Do you really do much for you? Really? 

Or is it mostly just with others? 

You want mum to come and fix everything to save you from all your pain and fears. 

But she can’t, and won’t, and you can’t trust or rely on her really anyway. 

You struggle in life cos you just wanna be saved. 

Saved from your hurt and pain and sadness,

Saved from grief of a life that’s not been very high quality till now. 

Always distracted by your own pain deep down, or busy trying to avoid it. 

Avoid your true feelings. Avoid you. 

Let’s make a life that we can easily control. 

Let’s hide away. With not too many variables. 

Where not too much can go wrong. 

Let’s fill it with addictive fun and adventure so that it’s semi fulfilling. 

Let’s make sure we are always able to avoid that darkness inside, as much as possible. Run, run, run. 

Your fears are so deep, so dark, you can’t even bare to be among people at times, 

Or you certainly couldn’t, at least. 

Some of the times you’ve felt loneliest is when you’re surrounded by people. 

Your life has been a drag, and motivation has rarely flowed to you. 

You’ve had to drag-anchor every step of the way. 

Usually relying on external motivation or time pressure for everything. 

Rather than marching to your own beat. 

When someone’s with you? Easy. Let’s do this, that, let’s go…

By yourself. Nothing. All you wanna do is nothing. 

You feel like you ought to do something. You desire to see the world. 

But you know you gotta force yourself to just get out. 

It’s forcing yourself to start. Every bloody time. 

Forcing yourself to leave the house. The home. 

To get out on the water, to go surf, to start the food, to get off the phone. 

Sure. Things that don’t matter you just go do. Even then, 

It’s mostly when you feel like you are being lazy and kick yourself somewhat.

Nothing has ever felt easy. Ever. 

It’s always been hard to bring yourself back to reality. 

It’s been a hard hard life for you my love. 

You’ve felt unworthy of affection, you’ve been afraid of it, disgusted and angry by it. 

Not able to give yourself it either. Hungry for it from someone else. 

But also afraid. You’ve felt alone all your life, and now it’s all rising up, 

You feel more alone than ever, at times. 

As you truly bear witness to your truth. 

You’ve felt forced to strive for an unlikely unachievable perfection,

Simply because you don’t wanna get rejected for flaws. 

This journey. Is hard. It’s painful, and it often looks like you’re going backwards. 

You feel like you are right now. But, you’re not. 

You are finding connection with a god that has always loved you. 

Who doesn’t judge you for all your struggles. 

For all your failures. God sees the truth of why this happens, and knows. 

God knows why you’ve got little to give to yourself and others. 

Why looking after you is a full time job sometimes. 

I will try my hardest to be there for you my love, and dedicate my time to hearing you. 

I will try to be like god, and not condemn you for how hard you find things. 

Not to beat you up when you struggle. But to hear you out, 

And be that person to you you should always have had there for you, 

Now I’m beginning to understand how. 

I won’t curse you  when you ‘waste away’ the precious days of your youth. 

I will understand what’s going on and love you through it, no matter what. 

I wish to take you to explore your true soul as much as possible, 

And help you feel good about yourself. 

You still crave the woman that wasn’t there for you but you are all of that femininity, Dan, 

And more, Embrace all that you are 💚 

The minute I have more love to share with you: I will.

It’s been a hard life I know. 

No matter how long it takes. 

You’ve lost so much. 

You’ve had your youthwhere many explore unbounded joy and connection stolen from you. You just felt alone and isolated.

But now, I’m here for you.

With Love,

Dan Morrell x